Gathering Proof
Here’s the latest in our series of Crowe inspired essays called “We Have the Records, We Have the Proof”. This one comes courtesy of site reader Lisa King. She recalls her experiences with Crowe’s film and how they shaped her personal life in her piece entitled “The Beauty of Gray”. It’s heartfelt and worth your time. Check it out.
The Beauty of Gray
“Every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around”
by Lisa King
My introduction to the films of Cameron Crowe was a shaky one.
When I first watched ‘Say Anything…‘, I was frustrated with Lloyd for taking Diane back as easily as he did in the scene at the dojo. I remember thinking that if only the filmmaker had made Diane look into Lloyd’s eyes and really sell the idea that she needed him, not just someone, that I would have felt more satisfied with the movie.
When I first watched ‘Jerry Maguire’, I was exasperated by the ending and felt like I was the only person in the theater who didn’t believe it was an entirely happy one. I remember thinking that if only the filmmaker had made Jerry and Dorothy hold each others hands at the end, instead of continuing to have Ray be the (literal and symbolic) bridge between them, that I would have felt more satisfied with the movie.
It was only when I met my ex-fiancé (I will call him “David” here), who was an avid Cameron Crowe fan, that I revisited those films and realized that Cameron was the creative force behind both of them (and ‘Singles’, which I had loved from the first viewing). Much to my surprise, I saw them both in an entirely different light. Instead of feeling short-changed, I saw how richly layered the stories and characters were. I contemplated how difficult it must have been for Diane to admit that she needed anyone after the betrayal she’d just faced, and I was moved by Lloyd’s ability to put aside his question and trust his heart and her intentions. I admired Dorothy for telling Jerry she needed a different kind of love from him, then both sympathized with her and respected her when she followed her heart and took him back in the end.
Looking back, I realize my earlier frustrations probably stemmed from my need to make sense of the world in black and white, as I was unnerved by the gray inherent in human relationships. Meanwhile, Cameron is a genius at capturing humanity on film. With subtle yet rich details, he crafts such complex and compelling characters that we, the audience, are treated to the entire range of the human experience. His relationships aren’t black and white, his characters are flawed and vulnerable, and his stories positively radiate with truth. So, in the spring of 2001, I became a huge champion of Cameron Crowe and his movies, and David and I eagerly anticipated the release of ‘Vanilla Sky’. I had no idea that my life was about to fall apart nor how much that movie would comfort me during the most painful experience of my life.
David and I met in New York City, at the height of a newfound self-esteem and personal contentment that I’d worked for many years to attain. He and I fell in love, moved in together and got engaged very quickly (in less than a year), which surprised me but felt entirely natural and right. The odd commonalities we shared, the previously random ways our separate paths in life had weaved, suddenly and very clearly seemed to make sense and have new meaning once we found each other. I believed (believe?) that I had found my soulmate and that I was deserving of such a thing, and we were blissfully happy. But, then I discovered that David was a pathological liar. Over the months we were together, I’d consistently caught him in little white lies and exaggerations. Though truth/honesty was the single most important aspect of relationships to me, I’d chalked up his indiscretions to childhood issues and tried to help him work through them. However, it turned out that the white lies were only the tip of the iceberg, and a few very large transgressions suddenly came to light in December 2001. The emotions running through me the afternoon that I left work early to confront him feel physically burned into my memory. I was furious, I was confused, I was shocked and desperate and sad… the kind of sad that seeps all the way into your bones. I kept hearing Diane Court’s voice in my head saying “you’re a liar and a thief” because he was. I was shaking as I entered the apartment, but David wasn’t there. In fact, he’d moved out. The closet, the CD tower, the medicine cabinet were all half-empty, and I felt that emptiness in my gut. The following weeks were the worst of my life. I couldn’t eat, and I could barely sleep. But I didn’t cut David out of my life right away. Deep down, I still believed he was a good person with a good heart and I wanted to help him become the man he said he wanted to be.
We didn’t see each other for about a week after he moved out, but ‘Vanilla Sky’ was opening the next weekend, and we decided to go see it together, as originally planned. I don’t think I can describe how much we were both blown away by the ways ‘Vanilla Sky’ was an eerie, intense metaphor for our relationship. We discussed it for hours that night and then periodically over the months that we stayed in contact and tried to make things work. I had been a Sofia of sorts for him, inspiring him to do better than the self-serving (yet oftentimes charmed) existence he’d been living, not unlike David’s. In that one night that Sofia and David spent together, she saw in him the man he could be and he offered her love and shared happiness as he vowed to become that man. Likewise, I saw greatness in my David and he made many promises to me (both spoken and implied) to become what I believed him to be. In the movie, David was too conflicted to follow through with his initial promise, and in his very first temptation, he chose to postpone doing the “right” thing one more time as he rode off with Julie. In real life, my David faced many challenges, but he let those moments, those chances to turn it all around, pass him by… he’d look for the easy way out, and in that sense, he kept getting in that car over and over again. So eventually, I chose to let him go. He told me once that I was his “lucid dream”, that since he’d lost me he felt like David in the movie when he realized that the post-splice part of his life hadn’t actually happened. What I’m afraid he’ll never understand is that I was reality, I was a choice he could have made at any point, and that the “lucid dream” is actually this distorted version of his life that he perpetuates by remaining unwilling to embrace the consequences of his actions.
I’m still processing what happened with my David and the ways in which that experience has changed me (some for the better, some for worse), but watching ‘Vanilla Sky’ makes me feel less alone in what I have gone through. The story itself really hits home on many levels. I see it as a metaphor that illustrates the many ways in which our feelings and expectations about ourselves can shape our personal realities. I also see it as a cautionary tale that demonstrates the importance of individual accountability in the face of the inherent unfairness in life when others shirk such responsibility. But it’s Cameron’s unique touches (the music choices, the setting, bits of new dialogue) in his interpretation of the already brilliant ‘Abres Los Ojos’ which were so eerily aligned with my life at that moment that made the movie seem like it was tailor-made for me. Almost like a parental figure, ‘Vanilla Sky’ grabbed me, sat me down and told me a story… a very personal and relevant parable that helped to put my shaken world into a manageable perspective. That is entirely reflective of Cameron’s talent and vision – his movies speak to everyone while still managing to touch deeply any individual who is willing to give themselves up to the experience.
Unlike the person I was when I saw ‘Say Anything…’ and ‘Jerry Maguire’ for the first time, I now realize that there is really nothing black or white in this life, that even reality is subjective. Though that still unnerves me, Cameron Crowe’s voice has gone a long way to help me not only accept that, but to even find ways to appreciate it. His films have shown me that even when literal truth is in question, there can be emotional honesty; that the devastation of betrayal can be overcome by the generosity of forgiveness; and that where there is fear, there is the opportunity for courage and strength through trust. Cameron’s films have helped me see in the beauty in gray, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful.
Postscript:
While I am forever grateful for the unexpected gifts that Cameron’s films have given me, I still want more. Cameron has created female lead characters that are astonishingly together, genuine, supportive, loving and honorable people who are then let down in one way or another by men in their lives. His stories to-date have focused on the emotional journeys of these men, but I would love to see Cameron tackle a project that fleshes out the experiences of his women. What do these remarkable women go through for inspiring, supporting and unconditionally loving men who gradually become better men for it meanwhile absorbing so many hurts and disappointments that it’s hard to believe their faith in themselves and in the goodness of life isn’t shaken or perhaps even broken?
For example, Diane Court. We see that she is initially devastated by learning the truth about her father and that she derives some strength and comfort from the goodness in Lloyd, and we see that she finds the grace to offer her father a chance at redemption in her eyes. I would love to have more insight into how she deals with the reality of his deception. Does that affect her greater view of life, does it ever infringe on her ability to trust Lloyd or anyone else for that matter (including herself)?
How about Dorothy Boyd? The scene where she breaks up with Jerry in the backyard is so powerful. How does she come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have the capacity to love her the same way she loves him, and how does she find the courage and self-love to let him go? And then, what are her true motivations for taking him back in the end?
And Penny Lane? If not for William’s intervention, her devastation over Russell’s rejection would have literally killed her. Does she recover and truly find herself in the wake of that loss, and if so, how?
Finally, what happens to Sofia Serrano? There is no “lucid dream” for her, she’s brave enough to face the real world, one in which her true love wasn’t brave enough to choose her. Regardless of how one interprets the plot, the movie only hints at her state of mind in the scenes at the club and at David’s wake. She seems to be as I would expect: sad, haunted, yet still determined, clinging to the optimistic promise she creates for herself – that she and David will meet again, in the next life (when they are both cats). But, how does she go on in this life? How does she deal with the consequences of David’s choices (consequences from which even he hides)? Was David truly her chance at love or does she find the partner she seems to deserve?
Though it may be ridiculous that I’ve thought so much about these questions, that only goes to show how Cameron is able to create characters that come so alive. If there is any writer or filmmaker I trust with these curiosities, it is him. I look forward to discovering more about life and about myself through his films in the future.
